hard books & surgeries

(* in the interest of full disclosure, you should know that I'm typing this on a decently sophisticated cell phone.)

Right now I am sitting on a lay-down chair in my daughter's warm hospital room on a cold, snowy day... and I feel especially aware of the irony of it all.

Firstly, I am so thankful to the Lord for letting Kate's surgery today go so smoothly. This was a real blessing for her and for me and Amy.

We left the house at 5am, and made our way cautiously (and safely) to the hospital. Kate had been in a great mood up until the time they picked her up and carried her away from her Mom and Dad into the OR. They began with the ear tubes and were done before we knew it. The cleft repair and minor lip revision took a little longer (about an hour and a half). She's been a combination of grumpy, scared, mad, hurting, confused, apprehensive, and sleepy all day. Honestly, she has slept and cuddled most of the day, with short bouts of crying mixed in. I knew she'd want Mommy immediately, but I was thrilled that she allowed me to comfort her quite a bit! We will talk to the surgeon more tomorrow, but the roof of her mouth looks good from our perspective. On the other hand, she may have messed up some of the stitching on her lip "touch up."

Probably not coincidentally, I finally finished reading "Everything Must Change" by Brian McLaren, as Kate lay sleeping on my chest this evening. This is one of those super hard books. It focuses on how the world is caught in this suicidal web of overconsumption in pursuing prosperity, violence in trying to attain security, and inequality that results from attempting to guarantee the other two... and it's all reinforced by a broken "framing story." He paints a bleak picture where we're all caught up in this self-destructive mess, none more so than the United States. It's shocking to read about our military... that we have enough nuclear weapons to destroy ten planet earths, or that it costs $100 million per day to keep our weapons poised and ready, or that so much of our economy is based on arms sales (even often supplying weapons to both sides of a conflict). McLaren writes about our unsustainable consumption and our gross exploitation of the world's poor.

But he also talks about hope and a new vision. This is where it gets hard because it calls for rejecting or "defecting from" the ordinary way the world works which is so pervasive and all-encompassing in favor of "the kingdom of God." Besides feeling powerless because it seems like there's little I can do to change the big societal problems, it challenges me with the inconvenience of doing many little things I CAN do (and by doing so begin to change some of the culture around me).

Ok, so here's the irony. I'm acutely aware all the sudden of how this is related to today. Inequality. How many of those here who lost their power today in the ice storm are cognizant of the millions who live without it daily? Prosperity. Did I ever think about the kind of prosperity system that makes possible a surgery like this? What do people on the other side of the world (particularly the developing world) think about my ease of access to medical care, especially non-life-threatening, life-enhancing medical care? What's it mean that by virtue of her residence in the US, Kate has this kind of care afforded her (almost as a right)? And what do I now do with this? I know as a Chinese orphan, there's a good chance she wouldn't have had this opportunity, and the adoption itself is a part of this kind of living out of the Kingdom. But despite this, is my prosperity somehow at the expense of someone else? In a global community, it seems like I should be asking questions like this. I don't know. (It doesn't help that I saw a complaint about internet access and read about a shopping trip described as "heaven" earlier, either.) Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely grateful that Kate will have benefited from this procedure. I just somehow have this sense that I've unknowingly bought into the Empire of Caesar more than the Kingdom of God sometimes.

processing stuff

It's time for this blog to do what it's really here to do: help me process some thoughts.

Kate is going in for surgery on Wednesday morning. As most of you are aware, my daughter was born with a cleft lip/ cleft palate. Her lip was repaired in China when she was seven months old (thanks to the generous sponsors of the "Happy Fund" in Suzhou). There is a little scarring and a "bump" on her upper lip from the repair, but I feel like it was done well and, if you've seen her, would have to admit that she's the most beautiful little girl you've ever seen!! (By the way, the doctor also concurs that the procedure was done well... which is important.)

So, though the lip was repaired, Kate still has an unrepaired cleft palate. The cleft in her palate is complete, which means the hole in the roof of her mouth spans both the hard and soft palate all the way to the gum line. Wednesday they will insert ear tubes (to help with the constant ear infections which are common with cleft-affected kids) and repair the cleft, leaving only the gum line unrepaired (which they will repair through a bone graft once she's a little older and her permanent teeth have come in). This later surgery, along with probably pretty extensive orthodontics, will help with her teeth and under bite.

The surgery on Wednesday will be in the morning, and they are planning to keep her overnight to watch for any swelling that might obstruct her breathing. Then she will come home Thursday to a diet of nothing but liquids for ten days. This will be quite a test, I think... she loves to eat and it will be tricky to work out the logistics of feeding the boys and keeping food (and toys) out of her mouth. After the ten days, she'll have a period where she can only eat soft foods like mashed potatoes and whatever we put in the blender before she eventually returns to eating normal again.

This surgery has the potential to be so great for her. For example, because of the cleft, she is unable to suck. As much as she loves straws (she insists on having one every time we go out to eat and non-stop pretends to drink out of it), how great will it be once she's recovered from the surgery and she can actually suck something through them! We're also hoping it will help with the amount of drool :)

Also, every once in a while, the cleft has made it so that when she sneezes, food comes out her nose. (I remember the first time she did this and a huge chunk that had apparently been lodged up there flew out and landed on my arm! Nice.)

More than that, her language should progress significantly. Because of the cleft, she has a very hard time making many sounds (she was never really able to speak Chinese either). In the mean time, we've been learning sign language so that she can communicate with us, and it has worked pretty well so far. And even if she doesn't get all the sounds just right, she already does such a great job with the English words she has learned so far like "hello," "bye," "home," "help," "hot," and "mama." Kate's got a great speech therapist working with her already, and I can't wait for her to make more sounds and start speaking more and more words and phrases. It'll make such a difference in her life.

But I can't help but think, "Poor girl!" I feel so bad for her. We really can't prepare her for this. Obviously she doesn't understand the English word "surgery"... not to mention the fact that it's hard to explain to a two-year old the principle of delayed gratification, i.e. what hurts so bad now will make your life so much better down the road. She doesn't have a clue that her world is going to be turned upside-down. I mean, there she is having such a great time with us, laughing and playing. With all we've gone through to try to build trust and avoid her rejecting us; I'm afraid something like this might destroy all that we've built the last three months.

I'm praying for the surgery to be successful and the healing to be quick, but maybe that's my deeper prayer-- let this ordeal not damage our relationship with her and turn her away from us... and maybe even somehow let it strengthen her bonds with her mommy and daddy. Or at least, let her emotional wounds from this surgery heal eventually, too.

That's the problem with suffering, isn't it? Let her go through it or protect her from it? Will it drive her away or draw her closer? As a good dad, I have to submit my daughter to this trauma. I wish I could save her from it, but I see the bigger picture and the long-term benefit of the surgery. It wouldn't be real love or mercy if I let her avoid the pain. But if she were given the choice, she might choose not to have to endure the pain and she may not perceive that I did what was really best. In the same kind of way, I guess I hope that through whatever painful experiences I might have to face in my own life that I will know that I have a Father I can trust so that I don't doubt his love for me, even if in my own eyes it seems unloving. Pain usually leads to one of two things: greater distance or greater closeness. I think that if Kate really trusts me, then as she receives comfort from me in the pain, it will knit our hearts together more and more. Oh God, please help my little girl know her daddy loves her.

Reclaim the World

We've been doing a series I've called "Reclaim God's Dream for the World." And last week I used this example out of Rob Bell's book, Velvet Elvis.

Another truth about the church we're embracing is that the gospel is good news, especially for those who don't believe it.

Imagine an average street in an average city in an average country, if there is such a place. Let's imagine Person X lives in a house on this street. Next door is a Hindu, and on the other side is a Muslim. Across the street is an atheist, next door to them an agnostic, and next door on the other side, someone from Ohio.

Imagine Person X becomes a Christian. Maybe she read something or had friends who inspired her to learn more, or maybe she had an addiction and through a recovery movement she surrendered her life to God. However it came to be, she became a follower of Jesus. Let's say she starts living out Jesus' teachings, actually taking him seriously that she can become a compelling force for good in the world. She is becoming more generous, more compassionate, more forgiving, more loving. Is she becoming a better or worse neighbor? If we are her neighbors, we're thrilled about her new faith. We find ourselves more and more grateful for a neighbor like this. We wish more people would be like this.

Let's make some observations about this street. The good news of Jesus is good news for Person X. It's good news for Person X's neighbors. It's good news for the whole street. It's good news for the people who don't believe in Jesus. We have to be really clear about this. The good news for Person X is good news for the whole street. And if it is good news for the whole street, then it's good news for the whole world.

If the gospel isn't good news for everybody, then it isn't good news for anybody.

What do you think?

I was impressed with how our teenagers seemed to responded to this. It feels almost like our journey together is taking us into some deeper waters (maybe more dangerous and difficult waters). What does this mean for the way we "do church"? This seems to take the focus off what we get out of being "one of the chosen" and placing it on our task of being an instrument of God's blessing to the rest of the world, specifically those who are not "us." God doesn't just care about those on the inside, the believer, the saved... he cares about the entire earth! Like Abraham's call in Genesis 12, he wants to use us as the instrument of blessing everyone and everything. "All peoples on earth will be blessed through you." He wants us to join him in reclaiming his dream for the whole world.

How do you live this out?

2009 theme update

Well, for everyone who participated in my poll for possible 2009 youth themes, thank you! I wanted to post an update, too. Though "Be the Change" actually had the most votes on this site, the concensus among the youth was "Reclaim the World." (However, "Be the Change" will be the theme of our upcoming annual Winter Retreat in Gatlinburg.)

Here's our theme and Scripture passage (actual image is pending)...

Reclaim the World

"In Jesus we see God's original purpose in everything created. For everything got started in him and finds its purpose in him… all the broken and dislocated pieces of the universe get properly fixed and fit together all because of his death on the cross."

Colossians 1:15-16, 20 The Message

in 2009

Since I did a post on the highlights of 2008, it seems like I should list some resolutions for 2009. Since this is being posted six days into the new year, obviously one of them is not blogging in a more timely manner :)

Resolutions:

1. Read a book per month. (I have to give credit to Jeremy for this. I saw on his blog he did this last year and thought it was a great idea.) Included in the these projected 12 books for 2009 is Jesus Wants to Save Christians by Rob Bell, Do Hard Things by Alex & Brett Harris, Everything Must Change by Brian McLaren, Be the Change by Zach Hunter, The Irresistible Revolution and Jesus for President by Shane Claiborne. I have many others I want to read, but instead of listing them here and tie myself down to them, I'll leave it open to be decided later. I probably ought to include at least some secular stuff, too. I will probably post a few reviews as the year goes along.

2. Come up with some ways to attract more non-churched kids to our youth ministry. I like to set goals for my ministry at the beginning of a new year, and I feel like this is an area that God wants me to focus on. At my last church, we were able to draw several students who weren't the typical "church kids" and came even when they didn't have a family that encouraged them to attend. Here we have a solid base, but our influence outside our church is pretty minimal. I think a great test of the health of a ministry is how welcome outsiders (especially those without much previous church experience) feel when they come and get involved. I think this will also help us continue to see several youth baptized this year.

3. Completely finish converting all the slides. As you can see in previous posts, I've taken on the task of scanning all my parents' and grandmother's old 35mm slides and converting them into digital images. At a rate of approximately an hour and a half per carousel so far, it's hard to explain how much time I expect this to consume... I'll just say that my parents bought a terabyte external hard drive to hold them all, and I hope they fit :)

4. Find an alternative to my soft drink consumption (at least partially). Both to reduce my intake of caffeine and calories, I'm looking for something to replace at least some of the coke that I drink per day. Let me just say that I drink plenty of milk already, don't like tea or coffee (not that they would reduce the caffeine), and can't stand the taste of diet drinks. I have a hard time drinking much water and get burnt out on juices, so I'm still working on this one. Let me know if you have any good suggestions. (Oh, and I'm a pastor so alcohol won't work either... not that I could stand the taste or afford it anyway.)

5. Write more. I'm not going to say too much about this one, but I think one of my better forms of communication is the written word. I'm not always a great speaker, but I like being able to rework my thoughts and express myself more clearly through writing. So...

6. Be a better father and husband. There's a lot of areas in my life where I can afford to fail. It's okay if I don't read 12 books this year, drink less Coke, convert slide photographs... or honestly even reach more unchurched youth. But one area I cannot afford to fail in is my family. I am the only father and husband my family's got, so they're depending on me. I admit that when I look back over 2008 some of my biggest regrets are that I didn't spend more time with my wife and kids. I'm happy to be able to impact the lives of teenagers, but I have to find ways to balance all of that over against the needs of the four most important people in my life. I hope that 2009 will be full of "No's" to the busyness and selfishness in my life and many more "Yes's" to Amy, Ben, Will and Kate.